


then my feet don’t dance (like they did with you)

by clumsylou



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Heavy Angst, M/M, pain. just pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:27:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28982589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clumsylou/pseuds/clumsylou
Summary: Alex goes over a note that his late fiancé left him and relives painful memories over the course of 30+ years.
Relationships: Alex Gaskarth/Louis Tomlinson, Jack Barakat/Alex Gaskarth
Kudos: 7





	then my feet don’t dance (like they did with you)

**Author's Note:**

> sorry

**2020**

Alex sat there on the pavement steps outside of his home. It was half to one in the morning by now— the only thing in the line of his sight being the walkway in front of him, softly illuminated by the moon and stars in the sky. 

He’d been out there for hours now, not bothering to grab any layers though it was getting quite brisk where he lived in Yorkshire. He groans softly to himself, cracking his neck as he leaned it to the side and dropped his fifth cigarette butt of the night. 

He felt dirty. Guilty. 

He was getting married tomorrow. 

Alex sighed as the door behind him creaked, looking down at where his pile of cigarette butts lay. 

“You doin’ alright, love?” the soft, familiar voice asked as the owner’s hand rubs over his shoulder when they sit beside him. 

“I’ve had better days,” Alex answers truthfully, looking to his left and sadly smiling at his fiancé. 

“How are _you_ doing, Lou?”

The other man sighed and pulled out his own box of cigarettes. Louis doesn’t answer the question until he’s taken two drags of the stick.

“I’m a bit gloomy, I won’t lie,” he explains, “though I’m not too sure why. Shouldn’t I be happy?”

Alex shrugs at that. “It’s okay to not be happy. You can’t control it.”

“I suppose that’s true,” Louis replies with a small smirk, “but we’re getting married tomorrow, aren’t we? Tyin’ the knot. I should be the happiest lad on earth right now.” 

The older of the two laughs a bit at that, lightly shaking his head at Louis and smiling as he meets his bright blue eyes. Alex’s smile quickly fades when his mind reverts back to what he was thinking before Louis walked out. He picks up on it immediately.

“He’d be happy for you, you know that right?” Louis questions softly, and Alex only shrugs another time. 

“He would,” he confirms softly, “but I know that if he were here, he’d be quietly dying inside that it’s not him I’m marrying.”

His fiancé gives him a sad smile and rubs his back sweetly, “we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t wanna, darling. I get that it’s hard.”

Alex was quiet in response, tears forming at the brim of his eyes. He shuffles a bit as he takes an item out of his back pocket. An envelope, Louis analyses. 

“What’s that?” Louis questions as he blows out another cloud of smoke. 

The brown-eyed man chuckled a bit to himself, “it’s from Jay. His sister gave me this when he died.”

Louis nods, “you’ve not opened it for four years now?”

He shakes his head in response. “I wasn’t strong enough,” he reasons, “but I figured since we’re getting married tomorrow, I should probably suck it up and read this, yeah?”

The man beside him nodded a bit, not quite sure what to say, and delicately massaged Alex’s shoulder as he takes a deep breath before opening the flimsy envelope. 

“ _To my Giraffe Boy_ ,” was scribbled on the outside in Jack’s unique font, making Alex laugh again. 

“Here goes nothing,” he says aloud to Louis as he unfolds the two papers.

“ _My dearest Alexander... Al. Lex. Lexi boy. Alex works, actually. No. My dearest love_ ,” the note begins with.

“ _I don’t know why I’m writing this. I’m bored and sad, but I hope that you never, ever have to read this letter_.” 

The taller brunette gasps a little at that sentence, tearing up at the sheer sight of his handwriting alone, but more because he realises he will never be ready to read what Jack’s written for him. But he has to, and he’s already started. If he doesn’t finish it now, he never will. 

“ _It’s not like I’ll ever die_ ,” Jack wrote, “ _but just in case I do… I wanted to write something for you. (Hey! That rhymed! Are ya proud of me?)_

“ _Anyway… here I am... Beyond the grave… Talking to you. Isn’t that creepy? A little fucked up, even? I think so._

_But I wanted to tell you I love you since I probably never got the chance before I... yep._

_I know that you’re probably tired of hearing me say that, but I’m not tired of saying it, so… deal with it, motherfucker! I’ve loved you for years! And just because I’m dead doesn’t mean I’ve stopped loving you, nuh uh. You’re not getting rid of me THAT easily!_

“ _I’m sorry for the jokes. I’m crying while writing this. I don’t know why I do this to myself. I don’t ever want to be without you. But since I’m dead (apparently) I’m gonna talk to you. I know you and your pretty little head are gonna be upset for ages. But please don’t waste all your time on missing me. Dont miss out on things because of me. What’s that thing people say when their loved ones die… the thing about them always being with them?_

_Yeah, I’ll be with you then I think. Take me to the places I’ll never be able to go. There’d be so much left to do and I will have done close to none of it. Can you do it for me? Is it possible to be less sad about me being gone if you think of it as me living through you? I hope that’s easier._

_“I also hope that whoever you decide to give your love to after I pass deserves it more than I did. I hope that they love you in the ways that I never could, treat you the ways I never knew how, and take you to places I’ve never heard of. I know you’ll probably spend your entire life missing me, but don’t sit out on love just cuz it can’t be me. I wish I could be there with you, but it would be pretty cruel if I was the reason you never got to love again. Your love is so precious. Please give it to someone who deserves it.”_

Alex took a deep breath to let an influx of tears pass before he read the next page of the letter. Louis was beside him, looking at him concerningly, but didn’t say anything.

“ _All I wish is that I hope I get to spend some time married to you before I’m gone._ ”

Nope. That was it. Alex couldn’t do it anymore, fuck whatever he thought about needing to finish it. He folds up the paper and puts it into the envelope, shoving it in his back pocket as he walks inside, leaving Louis on the porch without another word.

…

Another year and a half goes by— the remains of the letter untouched. Alex had been steadily married to Louis for a year now, and they had just finally moved into a new home. The letter was permanently in his new nightstand drawer, and his wish to finish it wasn’t any time in the near future. 

Though he lies there, awake, with no one beside him. Alex isn’t sure where his husband is, or why his surroundings look exactly like his old room in Baltimore, but he’s so damn tired he can’t possibly think to give a singular fuck. 

“Oh, Alex!” a scarily familiar voice calls from downstairs, and Alex jumps. What the fuck?

The brunette sits up in his bed and makes way to get out, hoping that the voice will call again. It was probably just Louis and Alex was imagining things. It wouldn’t have been the first time. 

“Alex, where the _fuck_ are you?” the voice calls again, and the man just about pisses himself as he scrambles up to trudge quickly all the way down the stairs, obviously tripping multiple times.

There he is. Standing in the kitchen. The red streak in his hair was just as vibrant as it was when he left the world, clad in only grey sweatpants and a black tank top. Alex observed the way his tattoo peaked out through the soft cloth, the way his soft brown eyes scanned his face as he stood at the end of the stairs, the way his eyebrows and lips were quirked in visible confusion. Alex was surely losing his mind. 

“Are you gonna help me find this toaster, or what? I tried to make you breakfast in bed, but I _suck,_ so I need your help.”

Alex nodded, walking slowly to Jack. He didn’t know what to expect. He didn’t know what this was, why he was seeing him, why he was in his old house. He was definitely insane. 

“I know you don’t live here anymore, but you are much better at finding things than me.”

Wait. Alex stopped walking before he got to Jack, he was debating on whether he should embrace him or not, because he’s not sure if this is some sick hallucination that’ll pass once he touches him… but now he’s just confused. 

“How do you know that?” Alex questioned softly, head tilted slightly to the side.

“What, that you moved?”

Alex only nodded his head in response. 

“Isn’t it obvious? You couldn’t stay in this home forever. Everything reminds you of me. I’m surprised you didn’t move out sooner, to be honest.”

“W-“ Alex sputters, dragging his hands over his face, “what? Jack, what do you mean?”

“I died, didn’t I?” he questions sarcastically, as if Alex should’ve been aware that this wasn’t real. And he should’ve. 

Jack soon pulled him in, wrapping his arms around Alex’s neck as he buried his face in his neck. “Fuck, I’ve missed you.”

Alex felt like crying. What is this? 

“I’ve missed you, too,” he chokes out, resting his head against Jack’s. “How are you here?”

“I’m not,” the taller man explains, “but I don’t wanna talk about that. Who is he?”

The shorter of the two furrows his eyebrows as he tries to think of what Jack means, as he finds the two of them start to slowly dance with each other. “Who’s who?”

Alex could practically feel Jack roll his eyes. “The fing on your ringer—“ he pulls back and stops all movement as his face twists in confusion, “ring on your finger, fuck.”

Alex shakes his head as he laughs at him, continuing to dance with him, because why not? “His name’s Louis,” he answers softly.

Jack nods a bit, his expression hard to read.

“Are you okay?”

“I miss you,” he explains, and suddenly Alex is very aware of the tiniest section of coolness on the back of his neck. Jack’s engagement ring. “I never got to marry you.”

“I’m sorry,” is all the shorter was able to say, “it’s—“

“Stop it,” the dark-haired man interrupts, “stop. Is he a good man?”

Alex smiles a little. “The best,” he replies honestly, “not better than you, though. Never.”

The other man nods with a small smile on his face, “that’s good. Really good. I’m glad he’s great. It’s funny though, because when you say Louis, I think Tomlinson.”

Eyes widening, Alex laughs a little. “Um.”

“You’re _fucking_ joking.”

“I know,” Alex rolls his eyes playfully, smiling at Jack’s quietly excited face.

“I always thought he was with Harry.”

“He was,” Alex shrugs.

“What happened?”

“Me.”

“Christ,” Jack snorts, “I fucking love you.”

Alex frowns at that. “I love you too.”

They don’t say anything more for what feels like hours, dancing slowly and silently in the kitchen. Alex still didn’t know what was happening, he also didn’t know why of all things they were dancing, but he’s not complaining— a moment like this would never happen in reality.

“I feel dizzy,” Jack whispered delicately in his ear after a while, and Alex instantly felt like he was suffocating. He couldn’t do this again.

And didn’t have to— because Jack faded and Alex’s vision soon turned to black.

“Alex,” an accented voice calls, accompanied by a soft hand on his shoulder. “You’re in the kitchen again,” he tells him softly, and the other man’s eyes shoot open to see Louis standing over him.

“You’re okay,” he reassures while rubbing his shoulder, “come back when you’re ready.”

Alex tried to nod, but he stayed, laid there in the middle of the floor. 

…

“ _If I didn’t ever get to be your husband— I’ll be absolutely devastated. I’m 28! It’s all I’ve wanted to be since I was 16. I didn’t say it much, but I want to be married to you more than I could ever say. It’s all i’ve ever wanted. We knew we were each other’s forever, of course, but I wanted the big obnoxious party where the theme is us and our love._

“ _And if we did get married, it was undoubtedly the best time of my life. I know I probably woke you every morning with a ‘good morning, husband,’ and you probably hated it because ‘my name is Alex,’ but I wouldn’t have cared. I would’ve kept calling you my husband. I’m getting emotional just thinking about that. I can’t wait until May 11th. It’s just two months away. It’s gonna be the best day ever, isn’t it? I cannot fucking wait to be married to you. I love you with all my damn heart. It’s fucking crazy._

“ _And I know you’ll be rushing me, because I’m probably gonna fuck up and be a little late. You’re the late one, but I know you’ll be on time for this. You’ll insist we drive together even though we should probably be separate, but I wouldn’t fight you on that. I love every moment I get to spend with you._ ”

He sat at Jack’s stone with tears streaming down his face. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“ _And… if you end up loving someone else, don’t be sorry. You should be loving someone._ ”

“Oh, my God,” Alex voices quietly, “fuck you. Oh, fuck you,” he giggles sadly to himself, “motherfucker knows me better than I even do.”

“ _I just hope that he’s worthy of the love you give. You love so wholly (that sounds like holey. lmao) and exceptionally. Please give it to someone who deserves it. Hell, I’m not even sure I deserved it. I didn’t deserve you. I’m surely not worth your time even now..._

“ _But save that love. Save your unconditional love for someone who leaves you breathless, like… save it for someone I would approve of. Remember how I said I’m with you and I want you to show me the things I’ll never get to see? Please be with someone who will gladly give you and show you everything. If not for you, then for me. Cuz I’m with you on that whole ride, baby. Save your heart for someone that’s worth dying for._

“ _God, I cant think of anything else. So, my love, my last breath of fresh air, I’ll leave you with this. I am living for you. I was always living for you._

_Alexander William, it was a fucking honour to be loved by you._

_Your boy 5ever,_

_JB”_

Alex shook his head and got up off the grass next to Jack‘s plot. “Five years now, and it’s never once gotten easier being without you.”

When he was finished whispering to himself, he found himself staring at the words engraved. 

_Jack B. Barakat_

_June 18, 1988 — May 11, 2016_

_“I don’t want a quote on my gravestone. I’m never gonna die.”_

He chuckled to himself though it was painful. Even dead, Jack could make Alex’s day a million times better. He was brighter than he ever knew. It burns Alex that he’ll never get to. 

…

**May 11, 2016**

“Jack, c’mon babe,” Alex calls, “we’re gonna be late. Chop chop.”

“Son of a _bitch!_ ” Jack yells back.

“What’s wrong, babe?”

“I stubbed my toe!”

“Well, stop stubbing your toe and get your ass in the car!” Alex shouted through a laugh, smiling when he heard Jack’s squeak of a giggle from the other room. 

Jack quickly walked out from the master bedroom dressed in his full suit, tan skin complimented by the black and white— red tie perfectly matching the stripe in his hair. 

“Babe,” Alex started, “y-you, uh…”

“What? What’s wrong?”

“You look great,” he replies honestly.

“Thanks, baby! That’s not it though, is it? Wait, why are you in a t-shirt and jeans?”

“ _Becaaaauuse,_ darling,” Alex explains with a drawl, smiling as he makes his way over to his fiancé to kiss his cheek, “we’re supposed to get dressed there.”

“God fuckin’ damn it,” Jack sighs before throwing his head back in a booming laugh. 

“It’s too late now,” Alex shrugs, leaning in to kiss him on the lips for the first time in a few hours, “let’s just go, okay?”

Jack sighs a little to himself as he leans back from Alex’s lips. “Can we fuck first?”

“What the fuck? No.”

The taller man shook his head as he grabbed his keys off the kitchen counter. “Why do you sound so disgusted? Am I not a good fuck?”

“If you weren’t a good fuck, I wouldn’t be marrying you, asshole.”

Jack laughs loudly as he opens the front door, finally ready to leave to the hall where they’d be getting married in a few hours. “It’s nice to know you love me for my heart and not my body.”

“I know, right? We’re so perfect.”

The younger of the two playfully rolls his eyes. “Get your ass in the car before I fuck it.”

“My ass or the car?”

“Shut up, or I’m leaving you at the altar.”

About forty minutes into the drive, Alex felt himself getting more and more excited. Jack was sat beside him driving, and Alex was more than elated to be able to do this for the rest of his life. He’s sure it’s all he’ll ever need. He begins to drift off comfortably until his fiancé startles him. 

“Oh, my God!” Jack exclaimed, turning up the radio, knocking Alex out of the light slumber he was in, “babe, it’s us!”

“Huh? What’s up, Jay?”

“ _Something’s Gotta Give_ , it’s on the radio!” he smiles, “fuck yeah!”

“It’s weird listening to myself sing on the radio, to be honest,” Alex admits, “it’s been 9 years since it first happened and it’ll never not be weird. But a cool weird.” 

“I agree,” Jack says with a large smile, squeezing Alex’s knee and winking at him.

His hand sits there for a few minutes before he involuntarily squeezes his leg roughly.

“Ouch, Jay, what was that for?”

“I didn’t-“ Jack pulls his hand back, “I didn’t, I—“ 

“What? Are you okay?”

“I didn’t do it on purpose,” he explained, “it just happened. I’m s-sorry.”

“Hey, it’s fine,” Alex confirms, “Jack, seriously. I’m alright. It’s not that big of a deal.”

The shorter man keeps a close eye on Jack for a few more minutes, growing increasingly puzzled as his fiancé seems to be blinking a lot as if he’s trying to remember something. 

“Woah, Jack, what the fuck? You just ran a red light— there’s no hurry right now, we’re on time. What’s going on?”

“I pressed the,” he waves his hand as he tries to find the word, “the uh, brakes. I pressed them.”

“Is the car broken?”

“No, I think it’s me. My foot wouldn’t… Do the thing.”

“Take a deep breath, Jack,” Alex instructs, “it’s okay. Do we need to pull over?”

“N-no. No, I’m fine. It’s okay.”

Alex reluctantly accepted that, but continued to keep a close eye on the man. Alex had never seen his fiancé act like this and it was, for lack of better words, extremely worrying for him.

“I can’t feel it,” Jack complains ten minutes later, “my arm is fucking numb.”

“Babe, what the fuck? Pull over.”

“Give me my glasses,” he requests instead, “they’re in the middle console.”

“Why, what’s wrong? Don’t you have your contacts in?”

“Everything is f-fuck, fuck, fucking-g blurry, I need to fucking see,” Jack tells him obviously, “just give me my glasses.”

“You need to pull the fuck over,” Alex scolds, panic increasing in his veins, “you’re pulling over _now_ and I’m calling an ambulance.”

Jack began to sob and hiccup as he turned to park in the grass next to the street. 

“Fuck!”

“Hey, Jack, it’s okay,” the other man tries to reassure, rubbing his hand on his shoulder, “you’ll be okay. But we need to figure out what’s wrong. This isn’t normal, babe.”

“I can bare,” he gulps, “barely f- _feel_ that.”

Something ticks in Alex’s head and he began to feel incredibly nauseous. “Jack, Jack, look at me,” he demands.

He does, and mumbles something unintelligible. Alex asks him to repeat it, and once again, he can’t understand a single fucking thing he said.

“Can you smile for me, darling?” 

Jack tries, but there was barely a change and a slight droop in the left side of his face.

“S-shit,” he complains, burying his head in his hands, “I’m dizzy, I feel really dizzy, wh- what’s- Alex? I d-“ Jack begins to freak out and one of his eyes goes more blurry than the other, “I can’t. Al?”

Alex digs his phone out of his backpack and quickly dials 911, and as it’s ringing he continues to rub Jack’s shoulder.

“Lift your arms above your head for me, babe,” he requests as the operator picks up.

“N- no, I’m not having a—“

“Do it.”

_“What’s your emergency?”_

Jack tries and fails, as Alex presumes.

“I’m p-pretty sure my fiancé is having a stroke,” he stutters into the phone, tears threatening to fall, “he can’t really move his arms, he can barely smile, he’s suddenly really dizzy and said he had issues seeing even though he has contacts in and—“

“ _Sir, what’s your location?”_

Alex gives her the street name in a panicked manner, and as soon as he’s off the phone he unbuckles his seatbelt to look at his other part.

“Hey, Jack, you’re okay. You’ll be okay,” he promises, though he’s not sure if that’s the truth, “the paramedics will be here in five minutes. Just hang on for me, okay? Can you try to talk to me?”

“I’m- uh, I’m sleep,” he stutters, “I’m sleepy.”

“Jack, no. Stay awake. You have to stay awake,” the older man demands, trying his best not to freak the fuck out. He loosens Jack’s tie for him just in case too, “what’s my name, babe?”

“You’re Alex. I know that.”

“Full name, love.”

“I’m not gonna forget your name during a s-stroke,” Jack sasses.

“I’m just trying to keep you talking, babe. What’s my full name?”

“Your name is,” he starts, but mumbles the rest. It’s not helping to calm Alex’s nerves.

“Are you okay?”

“‘M dizzy,” Jack repeats, “I feel dizzy.”

His eyelids started to droop, threatening to close, and Alex began shaking his head. “Jack, don’t. Stay awake.”

“I’m dizzy,” he repeats for the nth time with a frown, “‘M sorry Lex. Love you.”

“Baby, stay awake.”

“I feel _dizzy_. It hurts.”

“What hurts?” Alex exclaimed, “Jack, what hurts?”

His eyes were closed. “Jack, wake up. I swear to God if you don’t fucking wake up right now—“

He wasn’t budging. 

“Jack, please,” he pleads, crying now, “wake _up_. You are _fine_. Oh, my God. You were fine. Jack, you were fine.”

Everything after the ambulances came was a blur that Alex wished he never had to experience.

…

**2051**

“Mr. Gaskarth?”

“Yeah, that’s me,” he says, standing up.

“I’m afraid that, due to the stroke, your husband is no longer with us. We did everything we could. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

…

Jack was young when Alex saw him again. Alex was young, too. Not the 74 year old man he was when he died.

Jack looked more gorgeous than he ever did all those years ago, he looked more free. Alex would like to think he felt that way too.

Alex felt like it— more free. He felt better than he had in a long time. He was waiting for Jack to see him there. 

As if it were a cue, Alex saw Jack in front of him again.

“So…” he smiled, brighter than Alex had ever seen it, “tell me, Alexander. Did you lead the life you wanted?”

“Maybe it wasn’t what I wanted, but it was okay. I had a husband that I loved, who loved me. He made me feel okay.”

“Did you wish he was me?”

“All the damn time.”

“Were you happy?”

“Without you? Of course not. I spent the rest of my life missing you.”

“I’m here now,” Jack smiled, “you’re here.”

“I know.”

“We can live forever now, you know. We can have our forever.”

“I’m looking forward to it, Jay.”

“Are you happy now?”

“Undoubtedly.”


End file.
